Conscious T

       We saw each other for the first time and fell in love immediately…..or did we? Were we more interested in each others’ company due to loneliness? Was it infatuation that connected us? Yeah infatuation… the more sophisticated word for LUST. Our love was tested for several years it was like something had us by a grip and wouldn’t let us go…you know the old adage…misery loves company and  yes, we were attracted to each other and the sex was great; but innately we knew something was off, something was out of alignment; we knew we didn’t belong together however, we remained together just to see where it may lead.  A relationship that should have ended long ago lasted 5 years. Five the wonderful number of grace. You would have thought that we would have gotten it together but we were unable to make it work.  We had some great memories together as I reflect back.  I choose to hold on to those. I guess neither of us found the gumption within to say goodbye because we did respect one another to a certain degree, I believe we did love each other but it was not meant to be. For us that is. The season had ended.  We were so caught up in the illusion until finally, I had to be the mature one and let go.  Fear of the unknown and the stagnant place we were in had forced me to move forward because I desired more. It was a difficult process but the spirit of despair was haunting us and then it came to that heartwrenching day we decided to go our seperate ways; you walked out the door and suddenly  a sense of calmness and peace filled the atmosphere…the despair was gone. Things began to look up for the both of us. I decided to lay low from relationships to spend quality time with the ‘whole’ being of me; yes, self-evaluation is what I sought because the easy road was jumping into yet another relationship..nah, that was definitely out of the question. Being alone is the hard road but, I have found out it gets easier day by day.  Yes, the desires are still there but I can not let them control me. I’m in the driver seat. This self-discovery is great.. then..I received a call from you and you shared the news that you were seeing someone and things were moving faster than you expected.. I can’t lie upon hearing the news my emotions got the best of me..and my ego..I mean it has only been 4 months. I took a few deep breaths…tears began to well up in my eyes..I’m choked up as I begin to speak.  I..I..mean can the ink dry on the divorce papers before you tell me something like this. You stopped me quickly and said there is more….more I thought to myself; and you said  “she’s pregnant”; I felt torn to pieces. In my thoughts I began questioning myself ..Did I do the right thing? Was I losing the love of my life?  I guess you sensed in my silence that something was wrong so to soften the blow you began to tell me that you still love me, that you miss me very much and you never meant for this to happen but it did …… The final blow was when you reminded me and bluntly said it was your decision to break it off.  I thought about it for minute..your right.. my own actions and this is the result. Then immediately I woke up (a breakthrough) if you will.. I thank God for revelation!  I have experienced true growth….the road that is often less traveled….pain is a part of life…making those tough decisions even when it hurts, even when your feelings are suggesting otherwise; I recollected  my thoughts and managed to successully master my emotions when they tried to resurface.  Then my vision was clearer ; I began to look at you differently..here you are caught up in the illusion of love once again, you did the very thing you said you were not going to do; now a baby is on the way. Wow, how long will it last I wondered to myself.  Well that was no longer my problem anymore..you were caught up for the third time once again out of obligation and responsibility. I kinda feel sorry for you because you didn’t allow yourself to heal and find out who you were; you are continuing  the same patterns because of Illusion, Loneliness, and Misery.  I applaud my  own growth because this time I chose to do something different. I’m a big girl making better and informed decisions. Change requires you to do something different..insanity is when you do the same thing expecting different results. As my tears began to dry up with this new awareness in my spirit. I could quickly deal with my ego and face reality….Yes, finally I’m living in REALITY not illusion……I gathered my thoughts and God gave me the strength to say…..I wish you the best of everythingand I release you in love. As I hung up the phone I felt such tremendous freedom. It’s completely over…the past is gone…no looking back …  I can look to my future that is filled with unlimited possibilities.

yours truly,